Wednesday, January 04, 2006

 

The "Shaq-Pack" Incident (WARNING: Kinda gross)

There was a bunch of us going to St. Louis to see a Cardinal game. I drove, and six of us loaded up in my parents junky green van. Because of the start time of the game, we didn't have time to eat dinner before, and would never make it to eat afterwards, and no-one wanted to spend tons of money to eat at the stadium. So when we got to Fairview Heights, we went to Burger King for a quick bite. I had seen commercials for the "Shaq Pack" and thought it looked good, so that is what I ordered.

I sat down with my Frisco style burger on toasted sourdough bread, fries w/cup of cheese, and a soda. I ate it and it was delicious. Little did I know it would be my demise. Well, I tend to have a history of getting nervous easily when I am taken out of my comfort bubble and this was no exception. Here I was, driving through downtown traffic in St. Louis on a Friday afternoon at 4 PM, tons of traffic, and 5 other guys screamin and jumping around in the van that barely runs. So needless to say, I was on edge. On top of this, AND the Shack Pack, a deadly scenario was unfolding. My stomach started hurting sooooo bad. You can't imagine. I had never had pains like this before in my life, and to this day I haven't had any.

Well, I held in pooters as long as I could until the pain was so unbearable, I had to release some pressure. As soon as I relaxed, it was like an atom bomb going off. BOOOM...I can't believe nothing came out but air, but my goodness was that air toxic. Instantly, the entire van errupted in screams of horror and agony. Windows go down, doors are opened, heads are outside coughing and gasping. It was so bad, it made ME gag. I'll tell you what....it was not human.

That released the pressure, but I was still in a dire situation, and needed a bathroom...stat. We get to our seats, and as soon as we do, I make a line to the bathroom. Of course, it was PACKED. There were only three toilets. One had crap sprayed all over it, another was occupied by a father teaching his son how to pee, and the third used by some guy changing. I just went back to my seat, hoping the pain would go away. It didn't. End of the first inning, I go back, and there was an empty stall. I didn't even bother with the paper ass gasket, I just sat down and unleashed hell. I had never felt such relief in my life. From that moment on, it was the greatest day of my life. The game was great and I had no worries.

So check that off the list of life time goals. Pooped in Busch Stadium. Pretty soon I will have a new mountain to conquer.

Right on,
UberBrian

Comments:
Dude!, it seems like all you have are poop stories....hmmm, I see this blog going in a different direction. lol

Nevertheless, congratulations on that perfect dump. Also, I must be extremely sheltered, because I had never heard of 'paper ass gaket'. Granted I knew exactly what you were talking about and I use regularly...but had never heard it referred to as such.....PRICELESS. Thanks for the good stories....I'm hoping I can fit a few into my weekly publication.
 
heheh...yeah I almost didn't post because it might have been too poopy. But believe me, those are the only poopy stories I have. But I figured it was too good a story to hide.

UberBrian
 
it was the funniest, stinkiest and dramatic fart ever. we were in a traffic jam pretty much and i was setting next to the sliding door so i got out. the people behind us laughed a bit becuase they knew what was going on. oh man it was bad.
 
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