Wednesday, March 29, 2006
The "Big Project Prank" Incident
One time at the end of my junior year, I was working on a pretty big project with four guys. Being the over achiever type, I worked pretty hard for weeks, and the night before the paper was due I decided that I had done my fair share and called it a night pretty early for me at like 8pm. I left the boys in the Science Building to put the finishing touches on it, and I told them I’d be back in the morning to turn it in.
Well, at about 10:30 I was fresh out of the shower and I got a phone call telling me that the electricity had gone off and the guys had lost a big chunk of the paper somehow and needed my recent copy. After trying to call their bluff and failing, I walked over to the Science Building. And to my surprise the electricity was actually off. Some sophomores were even out in the hall studying by flashlight. I checked the laptop (now running on the battery) that had the paper on it, and after some searches, I easily found an auto saved version buried in some temporary file. I was elated that we didn’t have to retype anything, the guys thanked me, and I went back to my dorm feeling pretty good about saving the day.
The next morning Nick and I showed up in our professor’s office to turn the paper in. Nick asked Dr. Roger’s to look over the new version of the Introduction. He laughed, and asked me to read it.
Basically, it started by describing how teamwork meant having to test your teammates to make sure that they were loyal, went into detail about how they turned off the circuit breaker for the 1st floor of the Science Building, and ended with something along these lines: “The hysterical part of the whole thing was seeing Janelle’s enlarged cranium after thinking that she could actually solve a problem that MEN could not.”
UberJnell
Well, at about 10:30 I was fresh out of the shower and I got a phone call telling me that the electricity had gone off and the guys had lost a big chunk of the paper somehow and needed my recent copy. After trying to call their bluff and failing, I walked over to the Science Building. And to my surprise the electricity was actually off. Some sophomores were even out in the hall studying by flashlight. I checked the laptop (now running on the battery) that had the paper on it, and after some searches, I easily found an auto saved version buried in some temporary file. I was elated that we didn’t have to retype anything, the guys thanked me, and I went back to my dorm feeling pretty good about saving the day.
The next morning Nick and I showed up in our professor’s office to turn the paper in. Nick asked Dr. Roger’s to look over the new version of the Introduction. He laughed, and asked me to read it.
Basically, it started by describing how teamwork meant having to test your teammates to make sure that they were loyal, went into detail about how they turned off the circuit breaker for the 1st floor of the Science Building, and ended with something along these lines: “The hysterical part of the whole thing was seeing Janelle’s enlarged cranium after thinking that she could actually solve a problem that MEN could not.”
UberJnell
Friday, March 24, 2006
The "Drunk Loudmouth in the Bathroom" Incident
I went to a Nickel Creek concert last night. It was pretty good. Well, the opening band was this group called "The Ditty Bops". They were a pretty strange band, but I was diggin their sound. The lead singer was a girl. She had short purple hair, and wore a real strange plaid outfit that made her look like a clown. Only, I think she looked rather sexy. That was about it.
Well, after their set was over I headed to the bathroom. Our seats were pretty close, so I was one of the first ones in there. When I walked in, all the stalls were taken, so I was standing there alone waiting. Right behind me a guy walks in holding a glass about half full of beer. He slams it down and stands there and looks at me for a bit. (Now then, keep in mind, we are at the Victory theatre, seeing a bluegrass band, so the general audience is middle aged, easy going people. Some even snooty.) Well, his guy slams his beer back and looks at me for a bit, then just belts out....."THAT PURPLE HAIR DITTY BOP BITCH IS HOT AS F***! EH? EEEHH?? YOU GUYS KNOW, WOOOOOO!"
Totall silence. One guy at the urinal looked over his shoulder at him with a lowered brow. Everyone pretty well got out as soon as they could because this guy created such an awkward scene.
The whole time in my head I just wanted to go..."Eeeeeiiiinnapropriate"
UberBrian
Well, after their set was over I headed to the bathroom. Our seats were pretty close, so I was one of the first ones in there. When I walked in, all the stalls were taken, so I was standing there alone waiting. Right behind me a guy walks in holding a glass about half full of beer. He slams it down and stands there and looks at me for a bit. (Now then, keep in mind, we are at the Victory theatre, seeing a bluegrass band, so the general audience is middle aged, easy going people. Some even snooty.) Well, his guy slams his beer back and looks at me for a bit, then just belts out....."THAT PURPLE HAIR DITTY BOP BITCH IS HOT AS F***! EH? EEEHH?? YOU GUYS KNOW, WOOOOOO!"
Totall silence. One guy at the urinal looked over his shoulder at him with a lowered brow. Everyone pretty well got out as soon as they could because this guy created such an awkward scene.
The whole time in my head I just wanted to go..."Eeeeeiiiinnapropriate"
UberBrian
Thursday, March 23, 2006
The "Josh Asking out a Married Woman" Incident
A couple of summers ago myself (uberJonny) , uberRed, and uberBrian, along with our friend Josh and my girlfriend and her roommate went on a white water rafting adventure. This trip took months of planning and very little money to put together.
We started our journey in Carmi, our hometown,we left very early around 7 a.m. and drove to Evansville to pick up uberRed on our way to Cleveland Tennessee, our Destination. It was to be a three day trip, with driving being a big part of two of those days. Six hours in a car can either be a delightful time to make fun of everyone we know and everything we see or it can be a time of fighting, for us it was both. It is always both for us. Anyway we made it, we stayed at a generic Days Inn, called the Douglass Inn, but it had roughly the same logo as the Days Inn. That night we were going to hookup with my cousin and hang out in Cleveland as well as get something to eat. Dinner went fine, other than I have never been to a restraunt with Josh, while he was single, and him not talk the entire time about how he thinks, no he definatley will, ask out one of two people, the hostess or the waitress. It never failed, and it never happened, anyone will agree with me about this fact except Josh. He talked about it, it never happend, end of routine. And the entire trip he wore a Cowboy hat and white t-shirt, I forgot to add that in.
The next day we went rafting on a small river named the Hiwassee, it was alright, but it kinda sucked. Nothing evenfull happened, that night we went to eat at a nicer restraunt, uberBrian tried to wear mesh shorts and a nasyt old McDonalds t-shirt, we stopped him. Other than that though nothing happend.
The third day we were all pretty tired, we hadn't slept much in the past few days and we were all ready for the Ocoee, which was the big river. We get up and get ready to go eat breakfest at Cracker Barrel, it was right next to the motel we were staying in. We get our things together because after the river ride we are going to shower and leave from my cousin's house. So I check everyone out of the two rooms we had and wait for everyone to filter out with their things, all of the guys are there, we are waiting on the women, who would think. Then an attractive girl leaves the lobby area of the hotel room. And Josh starts in again with his "asking out" speech. This time we got on him, and we didn't let up. He knew that this time he would have to actually do it, or get scrutinized the rest of the day. He looked for an opportunity and when she pulled out a cigarette he knew he had found it. Unfortunatley Josh had just quit smoking, again. Luckily for him he still had a few packs left. He got out of the van and lit up. Went over to start the small talk and to our surprize actually talked to her. They talked a minute or two and Josh was really starting to hit his groove, he was getting comfortable in the conversation and then it happend. Her husband (we are not actually sure they were married, but thats how we like to tell the story, there were definatley together though) walks over and casually says hey to Josh and him and the girl leave. Josh was left standing there, not knowing what to think, he looked sad. Im not sure if he was sad that she was taken or that we had all witnessed his crash and burn. It was kinda sad, but more than anything else it was embarassing and hilarious. We actively made fun of him the rest of the trip. It was great.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
The "Late Night with Nothing to Do" Incident
Late one night myself and some friends were gathered at the local Wal-Mart parking lot, a stopping point on the cruise route in our little town, looking for something to do. We were always looking for something to do but rarely left the parking lot to do the things we talked about, this night was different, it was awesome. Eight of us standing around talking at about 11 p.m. on a warm summer saturday night when one, I will refer to him as Butch to avoid revealing his true name, discloses his plan for him and his girlfriend to "go back to my house and burn some CD's." Its Saturday night, who would go burn CD's? We all knew his parents were out of town and his house was in the country ensuring that him and his girlfriend would not be disturbed. At least he thought that would be the case. Roughly 10 minutes after his departure we came up with our plan to scare the shit out of him while him and his girlfriend when they were to be alone. Seven of us left now, I guess we will have to take two cars, we did, six of us piled into a huge Pontiac Parisenne. For you that have never seen a Parisenne, it is a monter of a mid 80's car probably 12 feet long. The remaining person drove his Chevy s10, he followed. First we needed gas, no problem, because our town is small but does not lack a gas station on every corner. We drove two blocks and pulled in, everyone piles out of the car, the driver pulls down the license plate and procedes to pump the gas. Everything is good, except the spring on the license plate is a little two much and the nozzle flies out and starts spewing out and whipping about much like in the movies, after we realized what was going on someone grabbed it and shut it off, but no without putting out about two gallons of 87 octane on the ground. That was first problem but not the last. We paid for the gas and started down the main street, two lanes in both directions, we did a pimp turn. For those that don't know or have forgotten a pimp turn involves turning extremely slow, crossing from you lane, in our case from the left lane to the right, and then sweeping back across both lanes to turn left. It was a masterpiece of a pimp turn too. We then meet up with burrell street, this street is known to have two railroad crossings, the first one is mild, the second is a bit steep, being an adventure we felt it nessasary to hit the second crossing at about 50 mph. We did actually catch air, the front end lifted up and crashed down hard, it was a miracle we didn't tear anything up. The only thing affected was the rearview mirror which was harmed by the person sitting bitch in front, of course no one had on a seat belt. This route we decided to travel was longer than needed but we had nothing to do, and this was an adventure. Continuing on, we sped down country roads with no regard to saftey of ourself and especially the possum that crossed our path, it exploded like it had just ate a pound of C4. Finally, we reached our destination, Butch has a very nice house, it has about four outside doors, damned if they weren't all locked, we feared our mission would be cut short. Luckily after much thought we decided to check his dad's car, it was unlocked, and had a garage door opener on the visor. We made it in, broke in through the garage. All the lights were out and most of us had never been inside, this made our trek interesting because we entered on the opposite end of the house than Butch's room. We made our way through like ninja, hoping to surprize Butch and his girlfriend catching them in some compromising position. Being that we were, in our heads, more daring than we actually are, we got nervous, we had broken into a house after all. As the front two approached his room the signaled for the rest to remain still. After a while they heard some sounds, sounds of what were never actually confirmed but we had our suspesions. We decided not to actually break in on them but scare them instead, so with absolute percision and stealthyness the ones in back left and got the car ready the front two waited for the most oportune moment and slamed two doors. They proceeded out, but not before one of them decided to look through Butch's refrigerator and came out eating a cup of pudding. My friend and myself got tired of waiting for them and decided to leave with the s10 guy, we jumped in the back of his truck and left. Our trip back was considerably shorter, we drove strait back to town, the s10 guy must have forgotten to put the seat belts back into the bed of the truck because he was under the assumption that doing nearly 90 mph down a shitty curvy country road was safe with us riding in the back. (And a side note: He did have his 2 year old in a car seat strapped to the front seat while driving like a maniac, this guy was a dousche. ) But we did leave feeling that we had done well and hoped that we had ruined our friends night of "CD burning." We were correct, the next day Butch revealed what had happend to him the night before competely baffled by what had gone on. Upon finding out of the excursion he was a bit pissed, but his girlfriend was even more pissed, thinking that we had saw things that we shouldn't. It was a good night.
-UberJonny
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
The "Wrong Apartment" Incident
This takes place at school on campus at USI. There is about 8 people in our front room watching a movie, myself included. All of a sudden some random girl walks in the door and shuts it behind her. She looks at all of us....looking at her, and she says "Oops, wrong apartment." and leaves. Not but, 5 seconds later she comes back in and says "No this is the right place, there is just a bunch of people here I don't know."
She walks through all of us and into mine and my roommates bedroom and shuts the door. Nobody says anything. We just keep watching the movie. A couple seconds later, she just calmly walks out of our room, and out the front door.
Nothing was ever said. You know that poor girl was embarrassed.
In her defense, there were about three apartments with the numbers 818A on the door that were VERY close together.
UberBrian
She walks through all of us and into mine and my roommates bedroom and shuts the door. Nobody says anything. We just keep watching the movie. A couple seconds later, she just calmly walks out of our room, and out the front door.
Nothing was ever said. You know that poor girl was embarrassed.
In her defense, there were about three apartments with the numbers 818A on the door that were VERY close together.
UberBrian
Thursday, February 02, 2006
The "Fuel Pump Ride" Incident
So I sold my old truck the other day (fart). It was to a 28 to 30 year old male. He was 6 ft and about 170 pounds. He had brownish hair with dark green close set eyes. He had on a black T-shirt with blue jeans and he wore some strange panty hose over his face. I’m pretty sure he had on a pink silky thong...but I don’t know that that’s fact.
Anyway, the truck had sat for a few months and had gained some unwanted rust and problems including a bad fuel pump. The ironic thing is I was selling my truck to an unlicensed man, so I offered him a ride to town for a new fuel pump. On the ride to town I was talking of my love for guns and hunting trying hard not to stare at his massive neck tattoo that ran the length of his arm. Then he turns to me and said, “I haven’t hunted in over 10 years” ( said with a red neck accent) “Beins’ that they took my guns from me.” I of course replied with a blank stare but there was no way to prepare myself for what was to come next. I finally found some words and replied with an, “Oh yah?” He replies non-chalantly with, “Yah, when they NAILED me with that whole ‘attempted murder’ charge thing!” Trying to relate with the unbelievable scenario, I broke out my “uncle charged with attempted murder” story too, trying to ease the tension. I told him my uncle spent some time in prison. Then he said, “Yep, I did too”.........SILENCE!
The rest of the trip went about how you’d imagine. We chatted a little here, I hid my gun there... I always wondered what it was exactly to get this neck tattoed man an attempted murder charge. Then, to end our special time together, he told me, “The reason I got out of Nashville was because of all those niggers!”......I should have known, Hate crime it is!
Story told by Brian O
Transcribed by Tracy O
Posted by UberBrian
Anyway, the truck had sat for a few months and had gained some unwanted rust and problems including a bad fuel pump. The ironic thing is I was selling my truck to an unlicensed man, so I offered him a ride to town for a new fuel pump. On the ride to town I was talking of my love for guns and hunting trying hard not to stare at his massive neck tattoo that ran the length of his arm. Then he turns to me and said, “I haven’t hunted in over 10 years” ( said with a red neck accent) “Beins’ that they took my guns from me.” I of course replied with a blank stare but there was no way to prepare myself for what was to come next. I finally found some words and replied with an, “Oh yah?” He replies non-chalantly with, “Yah, when they NAILED me with that whole ‘attempted murder’ charge thing!” Trying to relate with the unbelievable scenario, I broke out my “uncle charged with attempted murder” story too, trying to ease the tension. I told him my uncle spent some time in prison. Then he said, “Yep, I did too”.........SILENCE!
The rest of the trip went about how you’d imagine. We chatted a little here, I hid my gun there... I always wondered what it was exactly to get this neck tattoed man an attempted murder charge. Then, to end our special time together, he told me, “The reason I got out of Nashville was because of all those niggers!”......I should have known, Hate crime it is!
Story told by Brian O
Transcribed by Tracy O
Posted by UberBrian
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
The "Bike Scratch" Incident
A few days ago I was driving down the road in my car. Sometimes I get bored and just like to drive around and listen to some music. Well, I was coming up on a kid riding his bike. As I got closer I moved over as far over as I could, but just as I am passing him, he turns into me, and his handle bar scratches all down my side.
I had just gotten my car back from the shop, and then this happens. Well, I stop the car, get out and look at the damage, then look at the kid. I asked him what his name was, so he told me. At this moment, the kid starts crying and complaining about how much trouble he was going to be in. I didn’t take any pity on him at all. So, I let him have it. I mean, words were coming from my mouth that you would only hear in a Quentin Tarentino movie. Then I started physically beating the kid just to shut him up. I asked him “How the hell can you be so ignorant to just run into me like that?” He just stared at me. “What's the matter, don’t you know english?” I yelled.
Well, lucky for him, the lady who ran the preschool came out and got him, so I just peed on his bike and stole his training wheels.
Little bastard.
by UberBrian
I had just gotten my car back from the shop, and then this happens. Well, I stop the car, get out and look at the damage, then look at the kid. I asked him what his name was, so he told me. At this moment, the kid starts crying and complaining about how much trouble he was going to be in. I didn’t take any pity on him at all. So, I let him have it. I mean, words were coming from my mouth that you would only hear in a Quentin Tarentino movie. Then I started physically beating the kid just to shut him up. I asked him “How the hell can you be so ignorant to just run into me like that?” He just stared at me. “What's the matter, don’t you know english?” I yelled.
Well, lucky for him, the lady who ran the preschool came out and got him, so I just peed on his bike and stole his training wheels.
Little bastard.
by UberBrian
The "Beached Whale" Incident
One time I was at the beach and I noticed there was a beached whale out in the water, and I knew it was up to me to save it. So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you,I was terrified. But I pressed on. And as I made my way past the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you, at that moment, I was a marine biologist.
The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about 50 feet out and, suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was 10 stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him — face to face with the blowhole! I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction. It was a golf ball. Apparently, one of my friends was practicing his ball driving on the beach.
by UberBrian
The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about 50 feet out and, suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was 10 stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him — face to face with the blowhole! I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction. It was a golf ball. Apparently, one of my friends was practicing his ball driving on the beach.
by UberBrian
The "Bowl of Pudding" Incident
One time, me and my brother were working out in a field and we decided to sit down under a shade tree and take a break. Well, my brother went down to the stream to get a drink, and while he was gone I took this delicious bowl of plum pudding and placed in it, not one, but two pieces of sheep dung. When he returned, I inticed him to take a bite. And as sure as I am standing here today, he did....he ate the whole thing....SHIT PUDDING!!!!
Want me to tell you the best part?
The best part is...I have no brother....it was me! I ate sheep shit!
Honest...true story.
UberBrian
Want me to tell you the best part?
The best part is...I have no brother....it was me! I ate sheep shit!
Honest...true story.
UberBrian
Thursday, January 19, 2006
The "Bless This" Incident
This is probably a once in a lifetime story that is all about timing. The setting: my bedroom at school. Time: Late evening. The people involved: Me, and Rhonda S.
I was laying on my bed watching TV. My roommate Ben was taking a shower, and his girlfriend Rhonda was laying on his bed talking on the phone. She was pretty involved in her conversation, and I was involved with my show, so there wasn't much talking between the two of us. Well, what started it all off was, I sneezed and she said "Bless you". Because she is a nice person.
Well, I am not as nice and with the biggest asshole voice I had I say "Bless this" and proceed to let out the biggest fart of my life. I am talking this thing was marvelous. Long and loud, but more importantly, dry. Also, to make things better, I was kind of laying against the wall so it reverberated a bit, thus amplifying its power.
hahaha, it was great, her reaction was great. She just screamed and was totally grossed out. I was so proud of myself. whheeew, oh man you had to be there.
by UberBrian
I was laying on my bed watching TV. My roommate Ben was taking a shower, and his girlfriend Rhonda was laying on his bed talking on the phone. She was pretty involved in her conversation, and I was involved with my show, so there wasn't much talking between the two of us. Well, what started it all off was, I sneezed and she said "Bless you". Because she is a nice person.
Well, I am not as nice and with the biggest asshole voice I had I say "Bless this" and proceed to let out the biggest fart of my life. I am talking this thing was marvelous. Long and loud, but more importantly, dry. Also, to make things better, I was kind of laying against the wall so it reverberated a bit, thus amplifying its power.
hahaha, it was great, her reaction was great. She just screamed and was totally grossed out. I was so proud of myself. whheeew, oh man you had to be there.
by UberBrian
Friday, January 13, 2006
The "Racist Comment" Incident
The first year I was at USI, Josh A. lived with me and Ben. Our other room mate was your little white thugish style kid. He befriended our two black neighbors Darnel and Lincoln. (We all became pretty good friends) They were both the rather thuggish type of black guy, but they weren't over the top obnoxious like most thuggish black guys.
Well, in pretty well their first time in our apartment, the two of them and Josh start talking. So we have 2 thuggish black guy, and 1 redneck who knows nothing of black culture. (but around here...who does really) They start talking about rather taboo stuff, like slavery, black guys dating white girls, and double standards. All of sudden Josh busts out this line..."I don't have any problem with black people, but I hate niggers"...............The room went silent. Myself, Ben, and Lance, (our roommate) just looked at Josh with our jaws on the floor. Darnel and Lincoln, just looked at each other it total amazement of what they just heard. As the 3 of us crackers looked for a place to hide, Lincoln just laughed while Darnel sat down to gather his thoughts. I thinked they realized what kind of ignorance to expect from our apartment, and just left with smiles on their faces.
by UberBrian (w/Josh's permission)
Well, in pretty well their first time in our apartment, the two of them and Josh start talking. So we have 2 thuggish black guy, and 1 redneck who knows nothing of black culture. (but around here...who does really) They start talking about rather taboo stuff, like slavery, black guys dating white girls, and double standards. All of sudden Josh busts out this line..."I don't have any problem with black people, but I hate niggers"...............The room went silent. Myself, Ben, and Lance, (our roommate) just looked at Josh with our jaws on the floor. Darnel and Lincoln, just looked at each other it total amazement of what they just heard. As the 3 of us crackers looked for a place to hide, Lincoln just laughed while Darnel sat down to gather his thoughts. I thinked they realized what kind of ignorance to expect from our apartment, and just left with smiles on their faces.
by UberBrian (w/Josh's permission)
The "Day of Retards" Incident
Today, I went to the store to get some stuff to make lasagna. I had no idea what was in store for me. I get there, get all my food and proceed to check out. I am looking for a small line, and am kind of meandering about. Some employee lady asks if I want to check out. I told her I was, and she told me to use the self check out, in which I reply "No thanks, I don't like those, especially for buying food and produce, plus they always mess up." She then says "aawww, come on, I'll help you out." Well, I'm not just going to call her dumb and walk away, so I went to the self checkout.
She starts ringing my stuff up and as soon as she scans the last item.....the thing crashes. As I look over and see people walking out the door that I had just seen in line, I think to myself, "How much trouble would I get into for punching this chic." Well, she takes all of my food and goes to another self check out line. While she is ringing my stuff up, some other tards go to the busted machine and start using it, so she has to go help them real quick. Finally, she gets back and finishes checking me out. It totally doubled my time in the check out area.
As we are leaving the parking lot, some old lady is cutting across and almost T-Bones us. Then, as we are leaving the parking lot, and head towards Little Giant, someone pulls out and almost T-Bones us. THEN, as we were leaving Little Giant, we were heading down mainstreet, and someone pulls out right in front of us coming out of Casey's. THHEEEEN, when we get back to my house I can't even get there because all these stupid soccer moms are parked in my yard, and in the middle of the street, waiting to pick there kids up from school. So as wreckless as possiblle, I navigated my way through the cars, and backed up into my yard TIGHTLY between to tards.
When I got inside, I drop kicked my cat.
by UberBrian
She starts ringing my stuff up and as soon as she scans the last item.....the thing crashes. As I look over and see people walking out the door that I had just seen in line, I think to myself, "How much trouble would I get into for punching this chic." Well, she takes all of my food and goes to another self check out line. While she is ringing my stuff up, some other tards go to the busted machine and start using it, so she has to go help them real quick. Finally, she gets back and finishes checking me out. It totally doubled my time in the check out area.
As we are leaving the parking lot, some old lady is cutting across and almost T-Bones us. Then, as we are leaving the parking lot, and head towards Little Giant, someone pulls out and almost T-Bones us. THEN, as we were leaving Little Giant, we were heading down mainstreet, and someone pulls out right in front of us coming out of Casey's. THHEEEEN, when we get back to my house I can't even get there because all these stupid soccer moms are parked in my yard, and in the middle of the street, waiting to pick there kids up from school. So as wreckless as possiblle, I navigated my way through the cars, and backed up into my yard TIGHTLY between to tards.
When I got inside, I drop kicked my cat.
by UberBrian
The "Slim-Jim" Incident
One time I had to go grocery shopping, and Josh A. was my "come with" guy. I some times get scared go somewhere alone, so I need someone to go with me. Well, Josh is the kind of guy who, when you are not paying attention will sneak something strange into your cart. And of course, the whole time we were there, he was trying to sneak as much stuff as possible. Well, he wanted me to buy him one of those long slim jim sticks, but I had already agreed to buy him a soda and a snack, so I denied the slim jim request. I told him to go put it back, so he did. I turned around to look at the meats, but when I turned back around Josh was already back. "That was quick" I said.
I thought it was strange how fast he was about putting the stick ANYWHERE then returning, but didn't really dwell on it. We go to check out, and the whole time he keeps giving the cashier weird looks. She didn't notice, but I sure did. I was suspicious to say the least. As we are walking out of the store, he starts giggling but won't tell why. As I am putting everything in my car, I notice a bit of restriction behind my arm. I reach back to fix it (thinking my coat was stuck on something) and low and behold, what did I find? A LONG SLIM JIM STICK. Well, Josh starts busting up laughing because he just made me shoplift.
I was torn on taking it back or not. I mean, it's just a 99 cent jerky stick, is it worth going in to explain the storie? At the same time, I didn't want to get busted for something as stupid as a 99 cent jerky stick. Well, we just got in the car and left. But, the reason he keep staring down the cashier was to get her attention to inform her that I was shoplifting. Lucky for me, no one knew.
by UberBrian
I thought it was strange how fast he was about putting the stick ANYWHERE then returning, but didn't really dwell on it. We go to check out, and the whole time he keeps giving the cashier weird looks. She didn't notice, but I sure did. I was suspicious to say the least. As we are walking out of the store, he starts giggling but won't tell why. As I am putting everything in my car, I notice a bit of restriction behind my arm. I reach back to fix it (thinking my coat was stuck on something) and low and behold, what did I find? A LONG SLIM JIM STICK. Well, Josh starts busting up laughing because he just made me shoplift.
I was torn on taking it back or not. I mean, it's just a 99 cent jerky stick, is it worth going in to explain the storie? At the same time, I didn't want to get busted for something as stupid as a 99 cent jerky stick. Well, we just got in the car and left. But, the reason he keep staring down the cashier was to get her attention to inform her that I was shoplifting. Lucky for me, no one knew.
by UberBrian
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
The "Shaq-Pack" Incident (WARNING: Kinda gross)
There was a bunch of us going to St. Louis to see a Cardinal game. I drove, and six of us loaded up in my parents junky green van. Because of the start time of the game, we didn't have time to eat dinner before, and would never make it to eat afterwards, and no-one wanted to spend tons of money to eat at the stadium. So when we got to Fairview Heights, we went to Burger King for a quick bite. I had seen commercials for the "Shaq Pack" and thought it looked good, so that is what I ordered.
I sat down with my Frisco style burger on toasted sourdough bread, fries w/cup of cheese, and a soda. I ate it and it was delicious. Little did I know it would be my demise. Well, I tend to have a history of getting nervous easily when I am taken out of my comfort bubble and this was no exception. Here I was, driving through downtown traffic in St. Louis on a Friday afternoon at 4 PM, tons of traffic, and 5 other guys screamin and jumping around in the van that barely runs. So needless to say, I was on edge. On top of this, AND the Shack Pack, a deadly scenario was unfolding. My stomach started hurting sooooo bad. You can't imagine. I had never had pains like this before in my life, and to this day I haven't had any.
Well, I held in pooters as long as I could until the pain was so unbearable, I had to release some pressure. As soon as I relaxed, it was like an atom bomb going off. BOOOM...I can't believe nothing came out but air, but my goodness was that air toxic. Instantly, the entire van errupted in screams of horror and agony. Windows go down, doors are opened, heads are outside coughing and gasping. It was so bad, it made ME gag. I'll tell you what....it was not human.
That released the pressure, but I was still in a dire situation, and needed a bathroom...stat. We get to our seats, and as soon as we do, I make a line to the bathroom. Of course, it was PACKED. There were only three toilets. One had crap sprayed all over it, another was occupied by a father teaching his son how to pee, and the third used by some guy changing. I just went back to my seat, hoping the pain would go away. It didn't. End of the first inning, I go back, and there was an empty stall. I didn't even bother with the paper ass gasket, I just sat down and unleashed hell. I had never felt such relief in my life. From that moment on, it was the greatest day of my life. The game was great and I had no worries.
So check that off the list of life time goals. Pooped in Busch Stadium. Pretty soon I will have a new mountain to conquer.
Right on,
UberBrian
I sat down with my Frisco style burger on toasted sourdough bread, fries w/cup of cheese, and a soda. I ate it and it was delicious. Little did I know it would be my demise. Well, I tend to have a history of getting nervous easily when I am taken out of my comfort bubble and this was no exception. Here I was, driving through downtown traffic in St. Louis on a Friday afternoon at 4 PM, tons of traffic, and 5 other guys screamin and jumping around in the van that barely runs. So needless to say, I was on edge. On top of this, AND the Shack Pack, a deadly scenario was unfolding. My stomach started hurting sooooo bad. You can't imagine. I had never had pains like this before in my life, and to this day I haven't had any.
Well, I held in pooters as long as I could until the pain was so unbearable, I had to release some pressure. As soon as I relaxed, it was like an atom bomb going off. BOOOM...I can't believe nothing came out but air, but my goodness was that air toxic. Instantly, the entire van errupted in screams of horror and agony. Windows go down, doors are opened, heads are outside coughing and gasping. It was so bad, it made ME gag. I'll tell you what....it was not human.
That released the pressure, but I was still in a dire situation, and needed a bathroom...stat. We get to our seats, and as soon as we do, I make a line to the bathroom. Of course, it was PACKED. There were only three toilets. One had crap sprayed all over it, another was occupied by a father teaching his son how to pee, and the third used by some guy changing. I just went back to my seat, hoping the pain would go away. It didn't. End of the first inning, I go back, and there was an empty stall. I didn't even bother with the paper ass gasket, I just sat down and unleashed hell. I had never felt such relief in my life. From that moment on, it was the greatest day of my life. The game was great and I had no worries.
So check that off the list of life time goals. Pooped in Busch Stadium. Pretty soon I will have a new mountain to conquer.
Right on,
UberBrian
The "Auto Zone Hand" Incident
As told by Josh A.
Alright, so, I walk into Auto Zone to get a part for my truck. I get up to the register to pay for my product and what not. Wait, I guess I should mention that I have a "goat hoof". Due to a motocross accident, one of my fingers is mangled and the fingernail is split in the middle and all haggard looking.
Anyway...I am paying for my product and the guy stops me and says "Whoa man, what happened to your finger?" I tell him the story. At this point he literally whips out onto the counter, this monstrosity of a hand, maybe a birth defect, i dont know. Just imagine in Scary Movie 2, Chris Elliots "strong hand." Well, yeah...kinda like that. This guy has like 3 1/2 nubs and maybe a good thumb.
He starts to describe to me how he smashed his (good) finger. He points to it and tells his little story. The whole time, I couldn't keep my eyes off this little nub that couldn't stop twitching. I swear one was trying to speak to me. I thought to myself..."what the hell happened to the rest of your hand!?" But with total honesty and sincerity, he told his tale, like everything was right in the world.
The sight of that hand will haunt me in my dreams for the rest of my life. And by comparison, my "goat hoof" is beautiful.
Told by Josh A.
Posted by UberBrian
Alright, so, I walk into Auto Zone to get a part for my truck. I get up to the register to pay for my product and what not. Wait, I guess I should mention that I have a "goat hoof". Due to a motocross accident, one of my fingers is mangled and the fingernail is split in the middle and all haggard looking.
Anyway...I am paying for my product and the guy stops me and says "Whoa man, what happened to your finger?" I tell him the story. At this point he literally whips out onto the counter, this monstrosity of a hand, maybe a birth defect, i dont know. Just imagine in Scary Movie 2, Chris Elliots "strong hand." Well, yeah...kinda like that. This guy has like 3 1/2 nubs and maybe a good thumb.
He starts to describe to me how he smashed his (good) finger. He points to it and tells his little story. The whole time, I couldn't keep my eyes off this little nub that couldn't stop twitching. I swear one was trying to speak to me. I thought to myself..."what the hell happened to the rest of your hand!?" But with total honesty and sincerity, he told his tale, like everything was right in the world.
The sight of that hand will haunt me in my dreams for the rest of my life. And by comparison, my "goat hoof" is beautiful.
Told by Josh A.
Posted by UberBrian
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
The "McDonald's" Incident (WARNING: Pretty disturbing and gross!)
Eric, UberBrad, and I (UberRed) were getting a quick bite to eat before we left to go to an Illini game in Urbana, IL. We decided to just grab a bite to eat at the UberCarmi McDonald’s because it’s quick and cheap, and we go in to eat. After we finish eating UberBrad gets up to use the bathroom before we leave. I also have to use the restroom but I waited until UberBrad got out because I didn’t know if the bathrooms were for one or two. Anyways, UberBrad comes out after a couple of minutes laughing and shaking his head, so I naturally say what and he says I’ll tell you when we leave. I say alright and proceed to head towards the bathroom, and UberBrad says that I might want to wait a little bit. Now I am confused and am putting together that what he is laughing at is what is going on in the bathroom, but I really have to pee so I take my chances. UberBrad tells me not to look left and "keep my eyes on the prize."
So I head into the bathroom I’ve never been into and no idea what I am getting myself into. I kinda expect poop smeared on the walls or two gays making out or something. But what to I see out of the corner of my eye? Before I tell you let me set the scene of the bathroom keeping in mind that UberBrad told me not to look left. I walk in and notice that the stalls and urinal are on my left with the urinal left then right. I can’t see the stalls due to them being to the left of me then left again, so I proceed to the "prize" (also keep in mind the bathroom is pretty small). As soon as I make a left out of the corner of my eye, DAMN PERPHRIAL, I see a man wiping his ass standing up with his ass towards the door THAT WAS OPEN!!! WTF?????????
Now I am shocked by this and wishing I would have listen to my good friend UberBrad who warned me. I sped my way to the urinal while watching my back so this freak doesn’t attack me or something. I finish as quickly as possible and realize I have to walk by this guy again, so I do a head down and look away grab the exit door and get the hell out move.
As I exit and see UberBrad we had some eye contact and both start busting out laughing out laughing. As we walk out of McDonalds I tell UberBrad that there was a man wiping his ass with the stall door open, and he replays "He was wiping?" Apparently he was just dropping them off when UberBrad went in, but still with the stall door open.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???? What possesses someone to take a shit with the door open in a public restroom? This is why there should be a citizen program where you can have one person executed a month that you feel doesn’t deserve to live anymore. It should be passed by a random board or jury of course... I mean I’m not a crazy person or anything.
Sorry UberBrad if you wanted to tell this story.
UberRed
So I head into the bathroom I’ve never been into and no idea what I am getting myself into. I kinda expect poop smeared on the walls or two gays making out or something. But what to I see out of the corner of my eye? Before I tell you let me set the scene of the bathroom keeping in mind that UberBrad told me not to look left. I walk in and notice that the stalls and urinal are on my left with the urinal left then right. I can’t see the stalls due to them being to the left of me then left again, so I proceed to the "prize" (also keep in mind the bathroom is pretty small). As soon as I make a left out of the corner of my eye, DAMN PERPHRIAL, I see a man wiping his ass standing up with his ass towards the door THAT WAS OPEN!!! WTF?????????
Now I am shocked by this and wishing I would have listen to my good friend UberBrad who warned me. I sped my way to the urinal while watching my back so this freak doesn’t attack me or something. I finish as quickly as possible and realize I have to walk by this guy again, so I do a head down and look away grab the exit door and get the hell out move.
As I exit and see UberBrad we had some eye contact and both start busting out laughing out laughing. As we walk out of McDonalds I tell UberBrad that there was a man wiping his ass with the stall door open, and he replays "He was wiping?" Apparently he was just dropping them off when UberBrad went in, but still with the stall door open.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???? What possesses someone to take a shit with the door open in a public restroom? This is why there should be a citizen program where you can have one person executed a month that you feel doesn’t deserve to live anymore. It should be passed by a random board or jury of course... I mean I’m not a crazy person or anything.
Sorry UberBrad if you wanted to tell this story.
UberRed
Monday, January 02, 2006
The "Moore Music" Incident (WARNING: Kinda gross)
So it was a beautiful saturday morning, and myself and Brandon went over to E-ville to get some sound equipment. Well before we headed out, we went by McDonalds to get some breakfast. I got the breakfast burrito meal, with hot salsa. We ate in the car whilste we were driving. By the time we got there, my stomach was going CRAAZY. I thought I was going to poop to my pants. We get to Moore Music and ask "You guys have a toilet I can use?" The guy looks at me and says "Sorry man, we don't have a public toilet." But the owner (i guess) was standing there and said, "Aahh, it's ok, go ahead." I guess he saw the pain in my eyes.
So I go in there, and am looking down at this tiny little toilet. You know the kind. It's the one where your knees are touching your chin and only flush .5 gallons per flush. I stood for a good 30 seconds debating on whether or not to use this toilet. Finally, I decided that I couldn't wait. I did it...I used the tiny toilet. Oooooh the relief. Well, you can imagine the contents of the bowel in a worste case scenario. I go to flush.....uuhhh..uh oh. It didn't go down. So I grab the plunger...flush...pump, pump, pump...nothing. That water level rose. At this point panic started to set in. I know I only had one chance. It had to go down this time, or it was overflowing. I located the water valve just in case. Here we go...1......2....3....
Flush...pump, pump, pump, oh shit oh shit it's overflowing!!! I quickly turn off the water, but there is already nasty shit water all over the floor, while the bowl is full of nasty stirred up shit water. All I can find is some paper towels, so I lay some down to hopefully start cleaning up. But at that time, someone comes knocking on the door. "uuuh yeah?" "oh sorry man". whew, I have a little more time. Well, I don't know if they heard me in there scurrying around, but he came back just moment later."Dude, you alright in there?" "uuhhhh....not really."
I open the door and this dude just looks at the shit water covered floor, then looks at me and walks away. Then the store manager comes up, and not at all trying to hide the situation says "Dude, what the hell!? We let you use our toilet and you stuff it full of towels?" "No, no no, thats not what happend." I told him what happened, and he took pity on me. The whole time this is going on, Brandon is just wondering around pretending like he doesn't know me.
Well, now I am in an extremely awkward situation. They guy said it was ok, and he called someone to come clean it up, even thought I offered many times to clean it up myself, or at least pay to have it cleaned. He refused my offers. Now then, I came with intentions of spending like $200. But it required shopping, and I wasn't about to just hang out and shop, so I bought a $20 guitar cable and got the hell out.
4 years later, and I have never been back, and I don't ever plan on returning. Not out of embarrassment, but out of fear I will get punched in the face.
by UberBrian
So I go in there, and am looking down at this tiny little toilet. You know the kind. It's the one where your knees are touching your chin and only flush .5 gallons per flush. I stood for a good 30 seconds debating on whether or not to use this toilet. Finally, I decided that I couldn't wait. I did it...I used the tiny toilet. Oooooh the relief. Well, you can imagine the contents of the bowel in a worste case scenario. I go to flush.....uuhhh..uh oh. It didn't go down. So I grab the plunger...flush...pump, pump, pump...nothing. That water level rose. At this point panic started to set in. I know I only had one chance. It had to go down this time, or it was overflowing. I located the water valve just in case. Here we go...1......2....3....
Flush...pump, pump, pump, oh shit oh shit it's overflowing!!! I quickly turn off the water, but there is already nasty shit water all over the floor, while the bowl is full of nasty stirred up shit water. All I can find is some paper towels, so I lay some down to hopefully start cleaning up. But at that time, someone comes knocking on the door. "uuuh yeah?" "oh sorry man". whew, I have a little more time. Well, I don't know if they heard me in there scurrying around, but he came back just moment later."Dude, you alright in there?" "uuhhhh....not really."
I open the door and this dude just looks at the shit water covered floor, then looks at me and walks away. Then the store manager comes up, and not at all trying to hide the situation says "Dude, what the hell!? We let you use our toilet and you stuff it full of towels?" "No, no no, thats not what happend." I told him what happened, and he took pity on me. The whole time this is going on, Brandon is just wondering around pretending like he doesn't know me.
Well, now I am in an extremely awkward situation. They guy said it was ok, and he called someone to come clean it up, even thought I offered many times to clean it up myself, or at least pay to have it cleaned. He refused my offers. Now then, I came with intentions of spending like $200. But it required shopping, and I wasn't about to just hang out and shop, so I bought a $20 guitar cable and got the hell out.
4 years later, and I have never been back, and I don't ever plan on returning. Not out of embarrassment, but out of fear I will get punched in the face.
by UberBrian
The "2 for 1 Jeans" Incident
I went clothes shopping the other day. I went into PacSun to see if they had an shoes I liked. While I was there I decided to pick up a pair of jeans. There was a wall marked 2 for $50. Once I found the pair that fit, I headed to the counter. But then, on the way up there, there was a rack marked 2 for $25. There is a pretty good pair of pants on them, so tried them on, liked up, went up to the counter. Now then, simple math says my bill should be around $37 or so. Well they rang me up....$70. WHAT THE FFFFFFF. That can't be right. I told them where I got them...one from 2for$50 and one from 2for$25. They then proceded with this fabulous logic.
"In order to get 2 for $50, you have to buy 2. In order to get 2 for $25, you have to buy 2. If you only buy one, you have to pay full price....$45." When they said that, I was speechless. (by the way, I know 45+45 is more than 70, but this is how it all went down.)
So apparently, at PacSun, you can get 1 pair of jeans for $45, or 2 pair for $25.
by UberBrian
"In order to get 2 for $50, you have to buy 2. In order to get 2 for $25, you have to buy 2. If you only buy one, you have to pay full price....$45." When they said that, I was speechless. (by the way, I know 45+45 is more than 70, but this is how it all went down.)
So apparently, at PacSun, you can get 1 pair of jeans for $45, or 2 pair for $25.
by UberBrian
